It’s been said, “Procrastination is like masturbation. You’re only screwing yourself.”
Now that I have your attention, let’s move on and get to the heart of why procrastination is killing your
relationship and how to fix it.
Like it or not, and just my rough guess, I’d say that 95% of relationships are at risk, in some way, of being ruffled or even destroyed by procrastination.
Procrastination:
- Asking for what you desire is stored up in the file folder labeled, SOMEDAY
- Discussion about how to communicate better gets buried underneath discussions about “How was your day?” and “What should we have for dinner?”
- Exposing your feelings is way too risky and may lead to raw feelings of vulnerability, which just make you feel yucky.
- Your significant other’s annoying habits are easier to correct yourself ,rather than entering into the ring for a round of “he said he said, or she said she said.”
- Silence is golden and the rug still doesn’t show too many things left unsaid that have been brushed underneath it so what’s wrong with one more silent car ride or brushing things under the carpet to hide our dirty little secrets.
Sound familiar? Do you feel like you’re hearing a repeating soundtrack of the state of your relationship? Don’t fret, help is here and you’re not alone.
We Procrastinate Because We Are Scared
As much as we all hate to admit it, we’re prone to procrastination because it’s scary to confront the hard stuff in our relationships. Seriously, when’s the last time you heard some one say, “I can’t wait to pick up the dog poop in the back yard, and clean the toilets!”
It’s not that far of a stretch to say, “I can’t wait to tell my husband how much it annoys me when he says, “Thanks handsome for the great service,” to the waiter at every restaurant we dine at.” After all, who does he think he is? The Master of all handsome men who wait tables?
Whether it’s a degrading comment, inability to communicate clearly, annoying dribbles on the toilet seat, or failure to make your partner climax, there’s no better time than the present to address what’s really going on. Besides, how much longer can you tolerate screwing yourself by putting off the inevitable before you explode?
5 Ways to Talk About Procrastination
In the spectrum of relationship issues, challenges, and down right irritations, here’s five clean, safe ways to start discussions without punching the time clock of someday we’ll talk about this.
1) Stare fear in the eyes. Yes, this starts with you and the sooner you can look your fear in the eyes and understand it, the sooner you can open up to mature, adult, conversations about his pubic hairs ringing the bowl of the toilet. Your fear of opening discussions about sticky subjects is more about you than your partner. Uncover the fear and you’ll discover what empowerment to say what you need to say really feels like.
2) One thing, one talk, at a time. Most of the time, when we actually do permit ourselves to go where we’ve never gone before, you know to have powerful conversations in the moment, our discussion/arguments end up resembling an overflowing Costco shopping cart. What started out as one or two things we needed at Costco ends up being a whole lot of stuff we thought we just had to get before the warehouse ran out. Same thing happens way too often in your discussion/arguments, and before you know it your entire relationship history is being rehashed simply because she smiled at some other chick in the bar. All it takes is a couple times of Mount Verbal Diarrhea exploding, and no wonder we put off discussions that need to be had. Instead, limit the discussion to one topic, one talk at a time.
3) One simple question method. Simon Sinek has become a motivational icon with his book, “Start With Why.” Contrary to what you might be thinking, I’m not suggesting you ask yourself, “Why is it important to address this situation now,” although that’s a great question to ask. Instead, might I suggest you ask, “What possible good can come from not addressing this situation now?” And by the way, “It will make things simpler,” is not an answer. Ignoring the fire doesn’t put the fire out, nor does turning away from a blister in your relationship. That blister may shrink with time, but the more fuel that gets added to the fire, the harder it rages, and the same applies to the blister in your relationship. It won’t go away unless you pop it and let the fluid of discontent flow.
“Ignoring the Fire Doesn’t Put The Fire Out!”
4) No combat zone. No combat language. While having a combat free zone for discussions is a highly mature way to handle disagreements, it also doesn’t hurt to use non-combative language. “You did…,” and “You always…” are guaranteed fire starters for a ready to rumble interaction. The more you depersonalize the conversation and reflect to the jerk – aka husband, that you’re not trying to throw death to erections darts at his crotch, the more likely he might be to really hear what you’re saying. For instance instead of you saying, “When you said, Those jeans you’re wearing look like they shrank. What you were really calling me was F-A-T with a capital F!” Wham, bam, EXPLOSION. Maybe try something not so personal, “When I heard the words, ‘Those jeans you’re wearing look like they shrank.’ It made me feel fat and I’m wondering if that’s how you intended to make me feel.” It’s a softer more inquiring approach than out right pointing the finger of “let’s duel.”
5) Stop and Pause. This doesn’t mean, stop and procrastinate. The point of stop and pause is for you to take inventory and ask yourself if there is a highly valid reason that you’re choosing not to address the situation at hand. Valid reasons could be, avoiding embarrassment by choosing not to fight in front of her co-workers. Maybe it’s wiser to get the kids in bed before erecting the cages, and donning your cage fighting gear. Or it could be a very bold move to realize, by pausing and stopping, you recognize the white elephant in the room is really a beautiful orchid that’s best left undisturbed.
Procrastination of any form leads to stress, which may lead to any number of physical ailments – high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, tension headaches, and many more disastrous consequences for your health. None of which leads to a happy, happy, joy, joy relationship with yourself or your significant person.
More importantly, procrastination from dealing with life’s stresses, especially relationship stresses, doesn’t heal or fix the relationship; it simply tears it apart, moment-by-moment.
If you’re overcome with possibility of death by procrastination, then maybe it’s time you got a little help from a friend. Your internal friend that keeps telling you, “It’s time to have that talk before you blow that cork, and I’m not talking about the one on the Champagne bottle!”
About Rick Clemons
