Do you believe a gay relationship is possible for you?

gay-male-couple-wedding-day-bsMore times than I can count, I’ve heard gay and bisexual men say they’ve given up looking for love.  This comes up in conversations and even more in surveys where many men feel safer to speak their mind.

The plague of giving up and not believing a gay relationship is possible

Giving up is a plague. Something deadly we don’t talk much about.

It doesn’t feel good. More often than not these comments are usually laced with disappointment.

That disappointment plants seeds that grow up into other problems in life.

When you don’t believe a gay relationship is possible, it won’t be

It’s simple.  Yet sometimes hard to wrap your mind around.

When you don’t believe something is possible for you, you’re likely to notice all the things that prove you right.

The goal of your unconscious mind, after all, is to keep things simple, easy and make you look good.  So proving your beliefs are right, makes sense and seems a worthy goal to your unconscious mind.

You’re also likely to dismiss or not even notice the things that prove you wrong.

The end result is that your thoughts (it’s not possible) are actually creating your reality (a gay relationship isn’t possible).

I’ll take gay romance, if it happens

There may be times when this attitude is OK.  For example during a period when it would be difficult for you to make time available for a new relationship due to school or work projects.

In the short term this can put you at risk for hormone-fuelled fling that is not likely to turn into a long-term relationship.  A fling is not necessarily a bad thing, but if your goal is long-term relationship it can be a time consuming detour.

The danger of this attitude as an ongoing habit is that you’ll miss opportunities because you’re not actively seeking them.

Also because you’re not actively seeking a relationship, you risk jumping into a relationship that’s not a good fit for you.

Lack of role models makes it harder to believe a gay relationship is possible

One of the reasons many gay men believe that a healthy, long-term relationship isn’t possible is because they’ve had few role models.

Sure, they may know some gay couples.  Quite often, however, these couples are not personal friends where you can see them together regularly in real life.  Finding gay couples to be your role models often takes effort and commitment.   The insights you gain, though can be worth it.

Maybe you don’t really want a gay relationship like that

Maybe deep down you’re not sure you want a gay relationship.  Or maybe you want something different than the traditional long-term, live-in, monogamous model.

With the recent increases in freedom for gays to marry, there has been growing social pressure placed on gay men to conform to the expectations of a “normal” lifelong, live-in, monogamous relationship.

This pressure is another reason many gay guys give up on finding love.  It’s not that they don’t want a healthy, meaningful, intimate relationship.  Many just aren’t sure they want the mainstream model of marriage that has only a 50% chance of success.  Others don’t want that model or haven’t seen good examples even among heterosexual friends and relatives.

Whether consciously aware of these things or not, the social pressure to go after a relationship model that was previously off limits creates internal resistance and unconscious conflict.

In the short term giving up is easier than figuring all this out.  In the long term giving up can invite a lot more unhappiness into your life.

If you want something different from the traditional, live-in monogamous approach, that’s OK.

Rather than giving up, it’s time to figure out what you do want.

Maybe you don’t know what you want

Most gay men learned over and over during as children and young adults that what they want is not OK.  This can apply generally to many areas of life, and the message is particularly strong when it comes to intimacy with someone of the same gender.

Even in these days of increasing LGBT acceptance, society is still very heterocentric. Most things in day to day life are organized around the assumption that being heterosexual is the only, normal and right way.

This is often not intended but it can be very powerful and occurs even in very “accepting” and “LGBT friendly” settings

As a result by the time most gay men discover and accept their gay identity, the message has been pounded into their unconscous mind that “what I want is not OK.”

The logical response to this is to not believe that what you want is possible.  This leads to detaching from desire, which leads to not knowing what you want

For some men this can show up in all areas of life. For others it can be more subtle only showing up in the arena of relationships and sex.

Low self-esteem can lead to giving up too fast

If you truly want a gay relationship and have given up, this often comes from not believing in yourself.

Self-esteem is basically the belief that you are capable and deserving.  If a guy doesn’t have that belief then it’s no surprise he would give up.

Sure, past negative experiences can lead one to give up.

On the surface this is logical.

However, what successful people know is that there are no overnight successes.  True success usually comes due to persistence after failures.  Just ask Thomas Edison or Abraham Lincoln.

Giving up is logical if you’re not willing to grow

Relationships are fertile ground for personal growth.  The closer and more intimate they are the more this is the case.

No doubt about it, healthy, intimate relationships that last take hard work.

This doesn’t mean they are or need to drama-filled, painful or abusive.  No way.

However, being healthy in relationship means that your buttons will get pushed.  This gives you the opportunity to grow.

If you’re not willing to do the work of personal growth, then giving up is an option you can choose.   In the long-term it probably leads to more unhappiness, but it’s your choice.

Are you ready to believe a healthy, intimate gay relationship is possible for you?

The bottom line is that the most important factor in your success in seeking, finding and keeping gay love is what you believe about yourself and your capabilities.

You deserve and you can have it.

Will you believe in yourself or give up?

The choice is yours.

About Mark Reinert

Mark Reinert is a relationship coach and erotic educator who is fiercely committed to guiding gay and bisexual men who want to experience remarkable relationships, erotic fulfillment and solid self-confidence.

Since 2004, he has offered over 100 workshops and founded the Male Healthy Touch Club which has impacted thousands of men in North America and around the world. Mark's clients regularly report discovering new dimensions of wellbeing, self-acceptance and relationship connection. Mark is a member of the Relationship Coaching Institute and a founding member of the Gay Coaches Alliance.