How to Know When You’ve Recovered After A Gay Relationship Breakup

gay-male-couple-argument-bsRelationships can be the most rewarding – and sometimes the most emotionally risky – things that people experience. You’re likely to be the most keenly aware of both the risks and the rewards when you’ve recently broken up, but haven’t fully recovered from the experience.

Some breakups are more difficult than others to recover from. Sometimes the hardest recovery is from a relationship where you knew it would be best to break things off earlier. But, you ignored that and waited a long time to do so. Or waited until your partner made the move to break things off

Regrouping after a gay relationship breakup

After breaking up it’s best to take some time out from dating.  This is partly to ensure that you have recovered from the painful aspects.  Also, by doing some personal reflection or getting support from a mentor or a coach, you can gain important insights to help you find a better match and be more successful next time.

Of course you don’t want to avoid dating and hide in a cave for months, either.

So, how do you know when you’ve recovered from that past gay relationship?

First, let’s look at signs that you have not recovered yet.

Signs you have not yet recovered from that gay relationship breakup

If you’re frequently experiencing one or more of the following, it’s likely you’ve not recovered yet.

  • Sadness and grief are powerful emotions.  Often, people tend to suppress and avoid these emotions rather than allowing them. The paradox is that allowing yourself to experience them is the fastest way to let them go and move on.
  • Bitterness is a powerful, too!  It’s usually based on a strongly held belief that you’ve been treated wrongly. Sometimes underlying bitterness is sadness that you are unable or unwilling to feel. Whether or not you were wronged, the wood “chip on your shoulder” becomes a heavy log if you keep carrying it around.
  • Anger is another highly charged emotion. It’s usually based on the belief that something is wrong, unfair or not to your liking. Anger can be expressed in healthy or unhealthy ways.  Sometimes there are other emotions under it that may be harder to get in touch with.
  • Doubt and uncertainty – you wonder if you made the right decision.  One day you want to get your gay ex back, and the next you’re glad to be away from him.
  • Avoiding the situation, the memories and emotions it brings up.  This can be expressed by working extra, going to more social events than usual or even jumping into a new relationship before you’re ready.

Early on after a break up, these emotions can all be normal. There are ways to express them appropriately.

If you find that months have passed and some of these things still show up your life, you haven’t fully recovered.  This can be a good signal to seek some assistance from a trusted mentor or coach.  It can help a lot to be able to talk about experience without the fear of judgment or condemnation.

Signs you have healed from a gay relationship breakup

Now let’s look at some signs you’re ready to move on.

  • You have perspective – You understand some of the things that went wrong. You see how both people made some mistakes. And you have a sense of how you can do things differently next time.
  • Deep inside you know you control your life.  You know the past does not control you.  Unless, you let it.
  • You have a soft heart. you’ve let go of anger and bitterness. You may not want to see your ex, but you have a compassionate attitude toward yourself and him about what happened.

The main way you’ll know when you’ve recovered from the relationship and breakup is when the situation stops feeling heavy or painful to you. When memories come to mind you won’t be gripped by the emotions – mostly.   Sure, a healthy person can still have times of sadness when a certain memory comes to mind. But, mostly, you’ve moved on.

The dangers of a rebound relationship

By paying attention to where you are in your post-breakup journey, you can avoid the dangers of a rebound relationship.  It’s easy enough when getting into a new relationship to overlook important red flags. This is even easier when you jump too quickly after a breakup into a new relationship.  Doing this puts you at risk for being even more deeply hurt than before.

Taking the time to heal and recover from a breakup is important but not easy.  It can clear the path for more gay relationship success in the future.

It’s Time To Avoid Another Breakup

The best thing you can do for yourself while recovering from a breakup and getting into a new relationship is to apply some of your time, strength, and energy into learning to love yourself more and better.

Re-discover the things you like about yourself and the world.  Focusing on your passions and things you can be grateful for will go much further for your recovery and future relationship success than staying stuck in the past.

If you’re having trouble letting go, then consider finding support. Coaching can be valuable in helping you to regain equilibrium, boost your self-esteem. If you do this you will be planting the seeds that will increase the chances your next relationship is successful

About Mark Reinert

Mark Reinert is a relationship coach and erotic educator who is fiercely committed to guiding gay and bisexual men who want to experience remarkable relationships, erotic fulfillment and solid self-confidence.

Since 2004, he has offered over 100 workshops and founded the Male Healthy Touch Club which has impacted thousands of men in North America and around the world. Mark's clients regularly report discovering new dimensions of wellbeing, self-acceptance and relationship connection. Mark is a member of the Relationship Coaching Institute and a founding member of the Gay Coaches Alliance.