Let Freedom Ring In Your Relationship

gay-male-hug-6711-bsLet Freedom Ring In Your Relationship

It’s July. For those of us in the United States that means we celebrate our freedom and once again honor the day our forefathers declared us independent from British rule.

At least that’s the way I remember from US History class, which seems eons ago.

Ah, and Look at us now. A free country, with citizens surrounded by amazing opportunities to dream big dreams and make our life anything we desire.

That being said, “How can we take the foundation built in 1776, and use it to our advantage to make our LGBT relationships thrive?”

Create Your Own Version of a Declaration of Independence!

Once your relationship begins to take a turn towards the “C” word – COMMITMENT – how about starting with your own version of a Declaration Of Independence to keep things balanced in your relationship and not lose yourself.

To often, one side of the relationship equation or the other gets lost trying to fulfill the needs of the other. Honestly, both parties are to blame for this conundrum because both contribute to this widening gap in the relationship.

However, to be fair, if you give yourself up for the benefit of someone else, it’s you that starts the repeatable pattern of “not good enough.” Quicker than Wylie Coyote falling off yet another cliff in pursuit of Roadrunner, you’ll find yourself numb in the relationship trying to scratch and claw your way out of the chasm you’ve created.

If you’re the one who freely takes advantage of your partner over giving to you to keep things balanced on the one track happy, happy, joy, joy train headed for relationship derailment, you might ask yourself if it is worth losing your partner over your need to be all eyes on you all the time. 

Whether you believe it or not, before you know it, both parties become numb to the reality that equal rights for all doesn’t exist, and co-dependence, or even worse, divorce court rears it’s ugly head leaving no choice but to say, “Buh-Bye, and Buh-Bye” to a relationship that at some point in time had hearts and groins swooning.

Five Tips for Your Personal Declaration of Independence

Rather than losing what could be a good thing, here’s are five tips for creating your own version of the Declaration of Independence, formulating a Bill of Rights, and reaching across the aisle (or bed in this case) to create a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender bi-partisan agreement to reignite the fireworks in your relationship.

  1. Be independent and simultaneously dependent in a healthy manner. Just because good old Mom and Pops were connected at the hip, at least mine were even though it wasn’t healthy, doesn’t mean, “Let’s follow in their footsteps.” Of course, the fact that you’re LGBT and in a relationship indicates you’ve already departed far from the nest from whence you were raised into your own version of relationship independence. If you’ve gotten this far without being sucked into the vacuum of co-dependency, then continue doing what you’ve been doing. On the other hand, if you feel consumed and lost then you’re probably consumed and lost, which means it’s time for a revolution towards independence.Start with small steps, finding ways to make time for you and only you. If you’re partner has a problem with that, then you’ll for sure know you’re dangerously close to being co-dependent, not trusted, and under someone’s thumb. Seek out a relationship coach or therapist that the two of you mutually agree upon to help navigate you back to wholeness and independence, or into free on the open market to start anew.
  2. Create boundaries, not block walls with barbed wire. If you’ve been in a relationship that lasted more than a 5-minute orgasm, you’ve probably found yourself throwing up a block wall about something in the relationship that put the two of you at odds. And how did that work for you? Did you like sleeping on that couch or living with the silent mime for weeks on end? Of course not. However, boundaries that are established from the perspective of “that craps not flying” can actually help the crap not fly. The best way to set up beautiful boundaries is to do it when you’re both sober, not stressed, and communicating. Yes I said, communicating. Create a code word or phrase that you both agree upon that indicates it’s time to chat about something so that boundaries, issues, and conflicts can be addressed while neither one of you is in a bad space.Of course, the other side of the boundaries coin is respecting boundaries. No point in setting up boundaries if they’re going to be ignored.
  3. Like bamboo, bend but don’t break. No one likes a hard ass. Ok, I take that back. A lot of us appreciate a nice, firm, bubble butt, which is completely different than a hard ass attached to a stubborn head. We all have our beliefs and core values that we stand for which make us unique and whole as an individual. However, just like bamboo, there are a lot of things we stand tall for that honestly we can bend on to make things thrive. Doesn’t mean you’re a wimp, or that you’ve given in, it simply means that there’s 50 shades of gray or more to everything we hold to be our truth. I’ll just let you sit and ponder how to meld your own version of bamboo meets 50 shades of gray. No riding crops please!
  4. It’s not about being right, or winning. If you enter into your relationship with the notion of always having to be right, I hate to say it but you won’t. Relationships have way too many articles of incorporation for you to think that you’re always going to right. Instead, here’s a way to stop any fight, with anyone, or at least take some of the charge out of the situation! Simply say, “You’re right!” Gasp! Did I just suggest you always give in? And, yes I know it sounds like I’m being a contradictory arse! I’m not in anyway saying throw in the towel to make peace. Hell no! I’m simply suggesting that you say, “You’re right…” and then finish it off with your own version of the following secret sauce response – “…and here’s another way to look at it!” There’s always another way to look at any situation. For instance, pain is inevitable and suffering is optional! Got it? If not, give me a ring and a C-note and I’ll gladly coach ya through it!
  5. Breathe and count. Honestly, do you think our forefathers actually made this country independent without a lot of debating, fighting, slamming doors, and silence? Even though I wasn’t a fly on the wall while they were writing up the D-note (rappers version for Declaration of Independence), I’m quite sure they didn’t. In fact, I’d be willing to bet there was a lot of heavy breathing and counting under breaths that went into getting the Declaration of Independence penned. Same holds true for your own version of relationship independence and bill of rightful love. Make sure the signed and agreed to papers you enter into include ample space for each of you to breathe and count when debates arise. Trust me it’s a whole lot easier and cheaper than therapy and divorce attorneys.

Regardless of the status of your relationship, the length of time you’ve been together, or if you’re just beginning to consider shackling yourself into a committed relationship, relationships deserve to be celebrated with as much fanfare and fireworks as the day our country became independent.

Often it’s the lack of celebrating our relationships, more frequently than once a year on an anniversary, that leads to the need for illegal explosions.

It also helps to take time, every day in some fashion, to address the reds (anger), whites (peace), blues (sadness), and greys (messy stuff) in our relationship.

Carving out this precious space ensures we appreciate the beautiful rainbow spectrum love that leads our LGBT relationship to  being a pot of gold under a magical firework filled sky.

Now if we can just get Uncle Sam to get all the backward ass states on board for marriage equality, then we’ll have a few more tax breaks available to keep a little more of that gold in our pockets.




About Rick Clemons

Rick Clemons is a life changer, motivator, guide, mentor, and inspiring life coach, and author of the soon to be released, “Frankly My Dear I’m Gay.” He’s on a mission; guiding gay men to find their own voice, love deeply, work passionately, and live powerfully without regrets.