Keeping Score: Sex – 0, Intimacy – 0, Love – 0, Relationship – 0

Final score or keeping score in sex, intimacy, love and relationships… We’re doing it.

Love is a battlefield, a game, a journey, all centered around the big “R” word – RELATIONSHIP. We all, for the most man-pointing-shame-7669-bspart, desire to be in one.

Primping, preening, finding just the right things to say, to land Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Giving, taking, and making room for that one special guy or gal in our life to fulfill us, make our life richer.

Magical as a Disney moment, they arrive. The choir sings, the doves take flight, and little gnomes sprout from the grass between our toes, erecting white picket fences.

And hanging the “Happily Ever After” sign over the rose covered arbor leading to the front door of the love castle we’re to share for eternity.

It’s a magical, mystical fairy tale that comes to life, only to be cursed by the dwindling levels of sex, intimacy, and love you two once shared in abundance. Quicker than a “mirror, mirror on the wall moment,” you both stand naked in the truth that your relationship is on the rocks, pointing fingers, and wondering how did we get here. Your final score in the World Series of relationships is a big fat, no hitter – ZERO!

Numbness, settling, and not paying attention to the relationship have become the standard day-to-day fare on the buffet of your love life. You see each other through glazed over lenses of what “once was,” afraid to admit, the only reason you’re still in this game of love is FEAR.

FEAR of starting over

FEAR of what will others think

FEAR of failing at love

FEAR of who’s going to want poor, recycled me

FEAR of who am I kidding, I’m not made to be in a relationship

We’ve all been there, even if we’ve never failed at a relationship. Our stories are our stories and we are the masters of making up this crap about what might happen if we say, “Hey, not sure about you, but this zombie life we’re living called a relationship, simply isn’t working for me. How about you?

Once the sex isn’t fireworks, the intimacy isn’t magical, and the love is a flickering flame in the wind, it’s time to assess your relationship…sooner rather than later. Doesn’t matter where you start the exploration, as long as you start.

Love. What does this word mean to you? What does it mean to your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, or spouse? Where have the two of you forgotten to mind the gap in “What’s love got to do with it?” Granted, relationships change. If they didn’t, then they’d be even more robotic. Before it’s to late have a simple conversation about love and what it NOW means to each of you.

Sex. Not sure why this is such a tough subject for couples to discuss on a regular basis, other than 99% of the time sex is experienced in our most naked truth…naked and vulnerable…every wrinkle, cellulite patch, and six-pack (or lack there of are fully exposed. Yet, for as enjoyable as sex is, we often forget to keep the sex alive because we get too busy, it becomes mundane, and having sex with the same person gets boring…or does it?

It takes two to have a conjugal visit and it takes two to kill the sex. Get past your fears of “Let’s talk about sex,” and start talking. If you talked about sex, as much as you had sex in the beginning of your relationship, how much healthier might your sex life be?

Intimacy. 90% of the clients that frequent my practice aren’t complaining about the lack of sex, they’re frustrated by the lack of intimacy. When asked, “What does intimacy mean to you?” I get the typical deer in the headlights look. Yes, if you’re going to complain about not enough intimacy, then you damn well better be able to define it. Additionally, if you haven’t been watering that Intimacy plant, then it’s no wonder it has grown, sprouted, and blossomed.

Start with you and your definition of Intimacy before you start lobbing Intimacy Bombs at your partner. If you’d liked to be touched more, ask for it. If you desire more kisses, then let it be known. In the case of Intimacy your partner truly isn’t a mind reader. Not that they are in Love or Sex either, but at least with sex you get the point, the shudders, the moans when it’s being done correctly.

Relationship. Before you have the strike out and jump on the next train to “let’s give it another try,” take a few precious moments, person-to-person, and ask the deeper questions.

  • What’s shifted that we can accept? Not accept?
  • How have our relationship views grown apart?
  • What do we each need to keep the relationship alive and healthy?
  • Why is being in a relationship, let alone this relationship, important to me?
  • Where do we/me see this relationship going in the next year, two years, five years?

If it’s worth saving its worth exploring. And, if it’s not, then pull up your big girl panties, and your big boy boxers and move on, if that is in the best interest of the two of you.

And before you make any rash, in the moment decisions, remember this…

Everybody has problems. Everybody has bad times.
Do we sacrifice all the good times because of them?

About Rick Clemons

Rick Clemons is a life changer, motivator, guide, mentor, and inspiring life coach, and author of the soon to be released, “Frankly My Dear I’m Gay.” He’s on a mission; guiding gay men to find their own voice, love deeply, work passionately, and live powerfully without regrets.